I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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