I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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