Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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