The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
