Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
