I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
