mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
