Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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