Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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