You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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