why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
