Im at strip club and am horny
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
