I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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