i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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