dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
