idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
