Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
