What a fucking waste of an outfit
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
