My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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