How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
