I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
