you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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