I just threw up on my dentist
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
