i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
