I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
