how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
