The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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