i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
