Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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