so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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