If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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