apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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