I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
