There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
