So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
