PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Randomize
