Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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