She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We had to coat check the pizza.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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