He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
