You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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