Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
