i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
