i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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