I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
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I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
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I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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