I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I understand Curling. That high.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
