Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
