I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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