Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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