i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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