you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
