So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
