Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
