a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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