i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
