Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Panties = found
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
