11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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