Four minutes until I can fart!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
