dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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