we have pet lesbian snakes
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
