Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
