When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
